just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
