Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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