Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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