We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
