hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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