I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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