I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
