I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
