$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
