i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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