He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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