We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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