So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
