I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees