So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
