drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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