Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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