I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
