Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
