My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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