The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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