she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
