you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He called his prostate his "boner button".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
