you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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