New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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