so explain again why im purple
no
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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