Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
