I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
