how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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