Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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