Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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