She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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