Just cropdusted the office
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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