i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
And then he peed in my hair
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