So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
