I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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