I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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