I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
