So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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