just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
