For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
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Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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