He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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