Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?