just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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