the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
