Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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