Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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