If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
