I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
