i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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