I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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