When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
