I looked at my own cervix.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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