Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
