Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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